Bigger than me

Sometimes I worry that it's bigger than me
I'm not used to that
I always thought I was a fighter
just set my mind to it, mind over matter
I can beat it
Lately it has more days it wins than I do
No matter how hard I fight
Some days I just don't have any more fight in me
All I can do is hope that a few more hours sleep
a few more pills
maybe a new pill will help
I can't remember what it was like before it was
me vs. lupus
used to be...but you don't look sick
now I can see it in my friends eyes
concern they feel uncomfortable asking me directly about
the private converstations away from me
asking how I'm doing, giving the latest update
she has to take this on now
it feel so much bigger than me now

Love you so hard

I want to love you so hard that all this darkness will go away
I want to make you a little girl, at least then I had the tools to make you smile
I want you to be 20 again when our lives were so less complicated
A beer and a pretty girl would make us both giddy
How do I find your innocence and give it back to you now?
I can't stop your crying or your pain
I will carry it for you
Let me take all the images in your mind
Let me have all the things that you can't speak of
Let me store them for you so that they will leave you be
What can I do to make it better? Kiss your forehead
Sleep next to you so that you can feel safe
Whatever you need to smile and feel fine
I don't love but a few
You, her
I would give you anything, truly anything
My sacrifice
My season
My little sister
My daughter
My niece
My brave wounded soldier

Seeing not feeling

Here's my joy, it shouldn't be so tangable
just this thing
this something I can hold in my hand
shouldn't it be in my heart
I can't seem to tell any more
I take it out and look at it, over and over
that's part of the problem I know
I can't seem to help it
I want to feel it
more than see it

Smile

Yes I am smiling
I know I nodded and said yes
You think I'm so agreeable
Maybe it's because you never shut up
Never listens enough to know other opinons
Too arogrant or inmature, I can't decide
You're missing the signs and signals
I'm not going to nod or say yes every time
There's an art to picking your battles
This one I decided not to pick
Imagine your surprise when I finally
pick

Not perfect but trying

We figured out awhile ago that cutting out gluten from my diet can really help with my flare ups. Once I start becoming aware of my gluten it just seems like eating healthier just flows along with that. I feel great that lately I've been able to serve healthier dinners to the kids. We have lots of good veggies and fruit in the fridge. Saturday we had friends over for a bbq and I made very simple grilled chicken breast tacos with tomatoes, guacamole, and corn on the cob. The corn tortillas were gluten free and the meal was also dairy free. It was a nice light meal that was filling and also easy to make. I used the left over chicken and tortillas to make a chicken tortilla soup for lunches on monday. I love when I can use something for a lunch the next day or somehow incorporate it into dinner the next night. I love the feeling of using up all that we have bought and not wasting anything. I feel very strongly that we try to use what we have and consume only what we need.
Tonight we had steak that was grain fed, hormone free...I know alot of people will have a problem with the red meat but we still eat it occasionally. We had red potatoes and zucchini tossed with herbs and light oil olive steamed in a foil packet on the grill, and corn on the cob. It was a nice dinner that the kids liked and we watched The Fantastic Mr Fox. It was the kind of night that makes me feel blessed for a family and feel so full of love. We have a nice safe home that's quiet and secure. We had a good dinner to fill us up and a good family movie to share that mades us laugh and gaves us a nice memory to look back on. That's what a sunday night should feel like.

I don't give a ......

Sometimes when people are talking on and on about all that seems so important to them I just want to say "I don't give a fuck". I know it's rude. I know it's mean but I'm 41, I find that less and less I don't really care about the stupid little details of people's lives.
Give me something of substance and then I will listen. I can't tell you what that might be. It doesn't have to be about politics all the time or deep meaningful conversations. I will be intrigued by your bits of this and that, but go on and on I will stop listening. Sorry, I just will. The moment you become a victim to your own shit and I will stop listening and that glazed look is me not giving a fuck.
I was talking to a woman today at work and she told me about at time when she was laid off and her husband was laid off. She had to take a job in production...basically a princess kind of gal had to roll her sleeves up and work really hard. Well she did it and she did it with pride and conviction. For a period of time she had to do what she had to do and worked her ass off to get to her position that she has now where she's making a good living. Yeah, I will listen to her all day. She was inspiring and has something important to say.
I find that I care less and less for whinning, and I think that's my impending old age and not have much patience. I hear stories of people that do amazing things and some people want to whine and complain over every single little thing. Sorry but I don't give a fuck.
It's really quite freeing and liberating when you allow yourself to get to the point where you let it all go and don't get caught up in the maddness of drama and bull....you simply say: I don't give a fuck.

Disconnected

I have all these parts of myself that seem disconnected
Occasionally connections
Moments that make sense
Most of the time, something seems to be left out
Different parts that are left on their own
Dangling
Lonely or forgotten
I don't know how to connect to them all
Just one or two at time click into place
For a moment or two