Bigger than me

Sometimes I worry that it's bigger than me
I'm not used to that
I always thought I was a fighter
just set my mind to it, mind over matter
I can beat it
Lately it has more days it wins than I do
No matter how hard I fight
Some days I just don't have any more fight in me
All I can do is hope that a few more hours sleep
a few more pills
maybe a new pill will help
I can't remember what it was like before it was
me vs. lupus
used to be...but you don't look sick
now I can see it in my friends eyes
concern they feel uncomfortable asking me directly about
the private converstations away from me
asking how I'm doing, giving the latest update
she has to take this on now
it feel so much bigger than me now

Love you so hard

I want to love you so hard that all this darkness will go away
I want to make you a little girl, at least then I had the tools to make you smile
I want you to be 20 again when our lives were so less complicated
A beer and a pretty girl would make us both giddy
How do I find your innocence and give it back to you now?
I can't stop your crying or your pain
I will carry it for you
Let me take all the images in your mind
Let me have all the things that you can't speak of
Let me store them for you so that they will leave you be
What can I do to make it better? Kiss your forehead
Sleep next to you so that you can feel safe
Whatever you need to smile and feel fine
I don't love but a few
You, her
I would give you anything, truly anything
My sacrifice
My season
My little sister
My daughter
My niece
My brave wounded soldier

Seeing not feeling

Here's my joy, it shouldn't be so tangable
just this thing
this something I can hold in my hand
shouldn't it be in my heart
I can't seem to tell any more
I take it out and look at it, over and over
that's part of the problem I know
I can't seem to help it
I want to feel it
more than see it

Smile

Yes I am smiling
I know I nodded and said yes
You think I'm so agreeable
Maybe it's because you never shut up
Never listens enough to know other opinons
Too arogrant or inmature, I can't decide
You're missing the signs and signals
I'm not going to nod or say yes every time
There's an art to picking your battles
This one I decided not to pick
Imagine your surprise when I finally
pick

Not perfect but trying

We figured out awhile ago that cutting out gluten from my diet can really help with my flare ups. Once I start becoming aware of my gluten it just seems like eating healthier just flows along with that. I feel great that lately I've been able to serve healthier dinners to the kids. We have lots of good veggies and fruit in the fridge. Saturday we had friends over for a bbq and I made very simple grilled chicken breast tacos with tomatoes, guacamole, and corn on the cob. The corn tortillas were gluten free and the meal was also dairy free. It was a nice light meal that was filling and also easy to make. I used the left over chicken and tortillas to make a chicken tortilla soup for lunches on monday. I love when I can use something for a lunch the next day or somehow incorporate it into dinner the next night. I love the feeling of using up all that we have bought and not wasting anything. I feel very strongly that we try to use what we have and consume only what we need.
Tonight we had steak that was grain fed, hormone free...I know alot of people will have a problem with the red meat but we still eat it occasionally. We had red potatoes and zucchini tossed with herbs and light oil olive steamed in a foil packet on the grill, and corn on the cob. It was a nice dinner that the kids liked and we watched The Fantastic Mr Fox. It was the kind of night that makes me feel blessed for a family and feel so full of love. We have a nice safe home that's quiet and secure. We had a good dinner to fill us up and a good family movie to share that mades us laugh and gaves us a nice memory to look back on. That's what a sunday night should feel like.

I don't give a ......

Sometimes when people are talking on and on about all that seems so important to them I just want to say "I don't give a fuck". I know it's rude. I know it's mean but I'm 41, I find that less and less I don't really care about the stupid little details of people's lives.
Give me something of substance and then I will listen. I can't tell you what that might be. It doesn't have to be about politics all the time or deep meaningful conversations. I will be intrigued by your bits of this and that, but go on and on I will stop listening. Sorry, I just will. The moment you become a victim to your own shit and I will stop listening and that glazed look is me not giving a fuck.
I was talking to a woman today at work and she told me about at time when she was laid off and her husband was laid off. She had to take a job in production...basically a princess kind of gal had to roll her sleeves up and work really hard. Well she did it and she did it with pride and conviction. For a period of time she had to do what she had to do and worked her ass off to get to her position that she has now where she's making a good living. Yeah, I will listen to her all day. She was inspiring and has something important to say.
I find that I care less and less for whinning, and I think that's my impending old age and not have much patience. I hear stories of people that do amazing things and some people want to whine and complain over every single little thing. Sorry but I don't give a fuck.
It's really quite freeing and liberating when you allow yourself to get to the point where you let it all go and don't get caught up in the maddness of drama and bull....you simply say: I don't give a fuck.

Disconnected

I have all these parts of myself that seem disconnected
Occasionally connections
Moments that make sense
Most of the time, something seems to be left out
Different parts that are left on their own
Dangling
Lonely or forgotten
I don't know how to connect to them all
Just one or two at time click into place
For a moment or two

New Idea

I think I'm going to try something new. I always try to make my blog entries a nicely written piece of something. I don't always succeed. I think I want to try a new format for awhile. I kind of free style, whatever comes to mind kind of format. Lets see how it goes...

Another One Down, Another One Stronger

I don’t know why I take it hard when I read about a famous couple that breaks up. I remember when Brad and Jen were over, I didn’t want it to be true. No way not them!! Recently, I was disheartened to first learn about Jim Carey and Jenny McCarthy, and then of course Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels. These were two couples that seemed connected at a soul level and seeing them break up left me feeling confused. I mean, no one really knows what happens between two people and certainly with celebrities they only show the good and not the bad. You only see the beautiful weddings or read the gushing interviews about being soul mates. I have to believe that Ellen and Portia really are happy and in love. They seem so committed to each other and to their marriage. I’m holding out hope that they’re working hard to be forever.
I’ve been in one of those long term relationships that everyone thought was great and everyone was shocked when it ended. We looked good from the outside, like an avocado that seems perfectly ripe but once you open it up its no good. We never fought so there was never a scene for anyone to recall, we laughed and joked around when we were in public. We just lacked that key spark, we were friends but we had no idea how to make a relationship work. So we drifted along in friendship disguised as a relationship for 6 years, feeling lonely and unfilled in the ways a relationship should enhance your life. We got stuck because there was no affair, no drugs, or alcohol to blame. No one was a jerk or had anger issues to work out. We looked ok on the outside but had nothing of any substance on the inside to nourish us. Eventually the unhappiness was too much to bare and the relationship was put out of it's misery.
Many years later, I’m with the love of my life and I'm very happy but I can also tell you that we have our issues. I think that’s what we should really be sharing. It's not all about how it’s always sunny and roses. When we’re in public you can see our chemistry and you might even see us bicker but you will also see us hug and kiss within minutes. When you find someone that you have passion and a spark with, well you can expect a fight or two. Now look, there was a good long time that passed when I would looked at this woman and swore with every fiber of my being that I could never ever be mad at her. There was just no way that she could ever do anything that would make me raise my voice, oh and this was like a good year into our relationship. Oh we would gaze into each other’s eyes and say that we could never imagine a day that harsh words could ever be spoken between us. HA HA!! Let me say that again HA! Yes we can actually look back at that time and laugh our butts off. Oh we fight now, but don’t worry that’s an ok thing.
What we’re finding out is that if you fight fair, it can be the thing that makes you get to the core of what’s bothering you. It’s the thing that makes you resolve all your baggage that you’ve had from your childhood. Fighting makes you learn what your weaknesses are and what your strengths are. It makes you learn how to respect each other and it makes you learn just how much love you have in your heart for this person. I trust her completely and I think that’s why sometimes she can push my buttons and make me so incredibly upset. Yes you may re-read that. I trust her so much that I really let the full strength of fears and vulnerabilities show themselves and I know she does the same with me. Do you know what that means? It means we have a heated argument now and then but we’re better more evolved people for it. It also means that when we get to the other side she feels better than ever to me. It’s like I fall deeper in love with her, like it’s to a depth that I never thought possible. It means when say I love you it has so much meaning behind it. We’re deep into this now, there’s nothing superficial about us. We know each other so well and that means all the good and bad. She’s the one I want to come home to every day and I want to sleep next to. This is the real deal folks.
I don’t know what happened with these famous couple and it breaks my heart even more for Melissa and Tammy because they have kids. I know it must not have been an easy decision. Maybe for some people,seeing these couples break up gives them the excuse to say, “See nothing last anyhow, if that can’t make who can?” Well Aly and Steph can. I find myself looking at couple that have broken up and saying, “Dang, that’s not going to be us!” I’m going to keep fighting and keep loving her. We’re more like that organic avocado that might have a few imperfections on the outside. You know like a little knot here or a dirt spot there but when you open it up, it’s the most beautiful green inside. It’s had time to slowly ripen in such a way that it feeds us body and soul.

Have a good day

2009 has been a pretty crappy year for not only myself, but for alot of people close to me. I've had friends that had to deal with the death of loved ones, others with family illnesses, and it's been heart breaking watching their pain. Closer to home, my brother was laid off and we had to deal with moving my mother from Ohio and all the drama that caused. I mean, that was practically a naturally disaster in it's self. Then Aly lost her job, I had a hysterectomy, was laid off while recovering from surgery and then had complications from my lupus that caused me to be home for an additional 3 more months.

Being unemployed and home with an illness can really test your mental strength. You try to set small resonable goals that you can achieve. Each time you hope you're not setting yourself up for failure. I have good days and bad days. On the good days I can make my family dinner, get some food shopping done, maybe even write a blog. On the bad days, I struggle....I simply struggle.

The other morning I was feeling just so/so but I got up early so that I could make coffee for Aly before she left for work. She has been able to find a long term sub job and it makes me feel good to get up in the morning to make her breakfast, and get her lunch ready for her. It's a nice way to her morning started and it's a good way to have a few minutes with her. Some days I go back to bed after I see her out the door but most mornings I try to stay up. One of the benifits of staying up in the morning is having some coffee and watching sports center with Robby before he goes to school. I like this time with him because it's just me and the little man. Most mornings he's talkative and likes to tell me about the "Play of the day". Just before he leaves for school I always tell him to have a good day and that's when he always makes me smile because of his response. Now most of time when you tell someone, "have a good day" they will absent mindedly say, "yeah you too" or "ok, thanks". Not Robby, when you say have a nice day to him, he responds with a such an afffrimative "OK". It's like I'm asking him to take out the trash or something, he says ok like he is mentally putting it on his of things to do list....have a good day. Ok got it. At times I feel like I need to remember to always tell him to have a good day because what if I don't and he forgets to or something? I just really love the way he takes it so seriously...."OK".
Maybe it's because he's a kid or maybe it's just because I find most things he does adorable, but you know what? Right now when things seem so difficult when someone says to me "hey have a good day" I want to really take it to heart. I want to give it my best effort and do the best I can to make it a good day. I want to be like Robby and say, "OK" and really mean it.

Casting

Last Saturday we meet some friends in Ocean Beach after Robby's football game. It was wonderful to be out and about after so many weeks of feeling like I was only able to have limited time out of the house without being over come with fatigue. Recovering from surgery is much more difficult than anything I've experienced and I treasure any little outings. This particular Saturday included all the things that meant the most to me: Aly, the kids, football-pee wee Hawkeyes style, good friends, cold beer and the beach.

After watching a winning football game and amazing tackles by our budding pro football player, ok I may be a bit bias. So what. We headed down to Ocean Beach for some of the best fish tacos, cold beers and views of the ocean that San Diego has to offer. We had some laughs for sure and plenty of good natured ribbing from Jen to keep us all in check. After our feast of oysters and Blue Moon beer we headed over to Jungle Java for some coffee. We chatted some more and before we knew it the sun had set and it was getting late. The gals decided it was time to head home and we knew it was time to make the long trek home to Murrieta. We weren't quite ready to let go of the day and as we were walking to our car we decided to take a stroll out on OB Pier.

All the years I've lived in San Diego, I've never been out on the pier this time of night. Normally you can't go all the way out and it was treat to see that you could walk all the way out to the end. The sun had fully set and the pier was dark, romantic and just the thing we needed to complete our day. We started walking down the pier and saw a few folks with fishing gear and polls in the water. I've seen people fish lots of times off the pier but I was not at all ready to see what lay ahead of us. We saw people selling glow sticks and it became clear that the further we traveled down the pier, the further we were heading into this sub culture that was nothing like I've ever experienced. There pier was lined with poll after poll with glow sticks attached to ends. It seemed that each person there seemed to have their own story. There was the father with his two little girls. He was patiently explaining how to bait the hook and how to tie the glow stick to the end of the line. The little girls were huddled together under a blanket, watching him closely, hanging on his every word. Maybe this Saturday night they finally got to go with Daddy and Mommy got to enjoy a few hours alone to have some peace and quiet. Across from them were the three young guys goofing around, but not too loudly to be an annoyance. They had a cooler of beers but seemed like the kind of boys that most likely shared a 12 pack and had as many waters and sodas as they did beer. They seemed like good boys, I mean they were hanging out fishing on a Saturday night. They looked like the kind of boys that would visit their Moms on Sunday and help their Dad with home repairs. We walked further down the pier and saw a sprinkling of homeless people and had the realization that this was not just a way to spend a Saturday night for them. This was food, free food and you could feel an almost desperation in every cast of their poll. They needed to catch something. We got close the point of the pier where it dead ends and branches off to the left and right. We found a small space of railing and just stood there in silence. There was less light and more darkness from the ocean. From where we stood, we saw what seemed like waves of glow sticks jumping in the air and landing in the water. Each one was a poll being cast into the water, they looked like a falling star, a firefly above the ocean.

I was struck by the hopefulness each cast seemed to represent. For some it was a way to pass the time. Sweethearts that made a ritual of Saturday night fishing, not really expecting to catch a fish but just enjoying the passing of time with each other. The Asian families that seem to be continuing some kind of Jungian archetype that even they may not be aware of. They just enjoyed being there with their family. Casting a line over and over, most came back empty and yet they would throw it back over and over. No fishing rage, just a calm hush that was peaceful. A few people seemed to have fish in their buckets but there was no touchdown dance or hooting for victory, just a quiet evaluation if they would keep the fish or set it free. Men quiet in thought, a woman alone in an almost meditative state, you felt safe and almost invisible. We were the silent lesbian couple that no one noticed or cared about. We looked for a few more minutes as some glow sticks bobbed in the water, and others danced in an arc while being cast for another hopeful attempt at success.

I thought about our difficult summer and all we've been through. I think all we can do is keep casting, hope that this time we're more successful and that we finally get the success we're looking for. If not, that's ok....we'll still have that glimmer of light at the end of the poll and we can just pull in the line and try again and again.

Lets just blame this on the pain meds

One of the things that I've learned about myself over the years is that I can take something very small and meaningless, and make it into something huge and supposed meaningful. Well, I should say meaningful only to me. It's this trait that prevents me from watching certain crime shows because I will convince myself that some noise I hear in the middle of the night is a serial killer that the police have been searching for since 1977. I have talked myself into thinking the most outragous things. I can take a small amount of information and just spin it into something far beyond what it actually means. Of course I know that what I spin things into usual represent some fear or unresolved insecurity that I have. I had a wonderful therapist that really helped me take a look at this tendancy and work through it, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't still happen. Atleast now I can laugh at it and enjoy the humor of it when it happens.
So this morning I was sleeping in because I was really worn out from over doing it last night. I'm still very much in the healing and recovery stage of my hysterectomy and I decided I could make dinner but cleary I was not ready for this. So this morning Aly woke me up around 8 to make sure I took my pain meds and had me go back to sleep. Well I woke up a few hours later, and I could hear her talking but it was in a very hushed tone. I couldn't figure out why she was talking so softly. If you know Aly, you know my love does not exactly have a quiet voice even when she is trying to whisper. So even when she is trying to be quiet on the phone so that she doesn't wake me up, I can still hear her. She has the most wonderful laugh and it's the kind of laugh that fills the room, it's nothing that can be stiffled. So as I was waking up I had to wonder who was she talking to and why was she being so quiet....this my friends would be the moment when I start the spin cycle. As I heard her hushed tone I started to remember how her best friend told me that at one point of her marriage when things were very dark and going badly she called her best friend Sam from the closet and would whisper to her how unhappy she was. I suddenly wondered if she gave me that pain pill at 8am to make me sleep so that she could make this very same type of call to Sam or maybe her mom? I couldn't hear what she was saying but I could tell the "conversation" was peppered with frustration. Here and there I could hear she say "I don't know", "this makes no sense" "I'm trying". I sit up in bed at this point. I replay a conversation from the day before and make it fit this situation and before I know it I've got it all worked out. Aly has gotten to that point where she loves me but is not in love with me. She is happy to help take care of me after my surgery but the pressure of taking care of someone she is no longer in love with is getting to her, she has to vent to Sam. She needs to end this relationship once I'm back on my feet and recovered, she feels bad and can't tell me. So I get up, and I breath deeply. I practice in the mirror how this will feel. I tell myself that I will make her talk to me, I will make her get the truth out. I tell myself that I will not cry, I will be strong. I will tell her that it's ok, and not to worry we'll figure it out and we'll always be friends. It's ok. I splash cold water on my face, my stomach is in knots. The pain from my surgery is long gone and all I feel is this pressure on my heart and the feeling of this all being so surrreal. I still hear her talking in hushed tones. I'm sure she'll get off the phone as soon as I walked out there. I make my way out to the couch avoiding eye contact, I still hear her talking in that hushed tone which is odd since I'm clearly up from bed now and why would she still be talking about me if I'm right there. I finally look at her. She's laying on the the couch with the laptop resting on her stomach and I look at her intently and I see no phone. My mind can not compute this. Where is the phone? She says, "Hi honey, I'm taking a grammer quiz and it's timed." I just oh ok. I look at her and there she is talking to herself in a hushed almost whispered tone...."what the hell, what does this mean, I don't understand, i just want to be done, no way oh this is stupid, I have no idea, I don't know......" All those phrases that I thought meant that she was done with us just meant that some comma was giving her fits and some verb was not in the right spot or something. Suddenly I'm smiling and she looks at me and says, "You ok honey, I'm almost done. I'm just talking to myself, did I wake you up? You hungry, want something for breakfast?" I felt like an idiot. Of course I told her what I spun up in my head, she just smiled and said she didn't know whether to laugh or cry because she could tell it made me sad. In the end we just laughed because you know it's funny to laugh at how neurotic your spouse is. I prefer to think it was that extra pain pill she gave and maybe it played tricks on my brain, yeah that's it.

Trying

I think that title really sums it up. This has been one heck of a trying summer not only for me but for some of my close friends as well. The cursed summer of 09 is what we'll call it. Right now Aly and I are trying our best to remain positive and see that all things happen for a reason. I feel pretty angry that Ca has such a jacked up budget that so many teachers have lost their jobs and my talented and incredibly intelligent wife is out there with hundreds of other out of work teachers competing for the few jobs that are out there. I'm less than pleased that after two years I'm still a contractor for my company and was forced to be laid off for 30 days to comply with regulations and then rehired. During those 30 days off I was trying to get all my over due dr appts taken care, I hate having to ask for time off and wanted to get them done with. I'm trying to now get my mind around the idea that I will be having surgery next wed and all that means. A hysterectomy is not the major surgery is used to be but since I have lupus everything simple is complex. The fact that I need to get this done is actually just another little reminder that no matter how much I try to forget that I have lupus, it always seems to find a way to remind me that it's there and always will be. I'm trying to understand the cold heart of my boss, and the fact that I came this close to losing my job over this surgery. I also found out that come the end of the year they have cut our department and I will no longer have a job. There does come a point where Aly and I have to wonder when we start having some good news and when these trying times are going to end.
I tell myself this is when I have to let go, and have faith and remain positive. The 30 days off I was forced to take off really was a blessing. I got some much needed down time and that extra rest has put me in a good place for healing after surgery. I was also able to get lots of things done around the house and that feels great. Most important, I got some really good quality time with the kids and Aly. Most important during those 30 days off, I went to see my dr for an on going issue that I would've put off for who knows how long and that would've been really putting my health at risk.
If Aly was working and starting school right now, there is no way that she would be able to have the quality time she's had to spend with Jordyn and getting her ready for her first year of high school. She has been able to really be there for the kids and I know that makes her feel great. She will also be home to help take care of me after my surgery. If she was working right now, this was would be impossible for her to do. I have faith that there will be a teaching position at the ready for her and while it might be at the last minute, it will be just right for her and she'll be very happy and very appreciated for her amazing teaching skills.
As for my job and my less than sensitive boss, well I have to believe that will all work itself out. I think karma will catch up to her and some of the things that she has done. You can't keep stepping on people and not think it will by pass you. I have faith that a new and challenging job is on my horizon that will be worth waking up for every morning. I will have co workers that will once again feel like family, be supportive and will be a joy to work with. I think sometimes trying to be positive and stay faithful that all things will work out is the one constant that we have to hold on to right now. We have seen how loving and kind everyone has been. Trying times make you try and see all the good and look past just the things that are difficult.

A stubborn woman I am

When we moved into our house the ice make never worked. Both Aly and myself are not exactly handy around the house and so we have a handyman on speed dial that handles our around the house needs. Don't be dirty. We're just talking about things like a leaky sink or things like that. It would've been easy enough to have him replace the ice maker but why? We have four people in the house that can make ice. Every once in awhile I like to have the old school methods in the house and making ice seemed easy enough. Fill a tray with water...how easy can that be? Well let me tell you, it's become a "thing". A thing that complain about on a daily basis because it's one of those household chorse that most poeple do not like to do. I never knew this. I mean you empyt out the ice into the ice bucket and then fill the empty trays with water. Simply enough but the truth is, when you just want a drink of water with some ice you don't feel doing the whole ice thing. It would be so easy to just take the work out of the whole deal and get an ice maker but I just can't. I have squarely planted my feet and will not give into buying an ice maker, the only problem is that no one in the house will make ice. I'm sure every household has something the family all faces off about and this is our thing...well actually my thing. I watch that damn ice bucket like a hawk. I tell the kids over and over, if you take ice then make ice. Why yes I did make up that catchy little phrase myself, thank you very much. It's summer time, hot as hell where we live and we go through ice like crazy. I go to make a cold drink for myself and there I am mumbling like a crazy woman...nobody made ice again, only like two ice cubes in the bucket. Sometimes I go on strike and won't make ice. The kids and Aly just find this amusing more than anything. One day Aly was at work telling a co-worker about the ice Nazi she is married to when her co worker was like uhhhh hold on.....you don't have an ice maker? What the hell? Do you have running water? Indoor bathrooms? Electricity? Internet service from something other than your phone line? I mean she was certain that we were one step away from being Amish....although I do have a fascination with the Amish lifestyle, making your own ice is hardly that primitive. So my lovely spouse casually says to me, hey Babe, why don't we just save ourselves this whole ice headache and get an new ice machine. Hell no! We shall make ice!! Why? I don't. I can't remember. There was a principle or something about it all. I guess.... I just don't think that it shouldn't be that hard for four people to make ice. This is when she kinda pets my arm and smiles that smile that says....yup your just this side of crazy and stubborn but I love you anyhow.