Not perfect but trying

We figured out awhile ago that cutting out gluten from my diet can really help with my flare ups. Once I start becoming aware of my gluten it just seems like eating healthier just flows along with that. I feel great that lately I've been able to serve healthier dinners to the kids. We have lots of good veggies and fruit in the fridge. Saturday we had friends over for a bbq and I made very simple grilled chicken breast tacos with tomatoes, guacamole, and corn on the cob. The corn tortillas were gluten free and the meal was also dairy free. It was a nice light meal that was filling and also easy to make. I used the left over chicken and tortillas to make a chicken tortilla soup for lunches on monday. I love when I can use something for a lunch the next day or somehow incorporate it into dinner the next night. I love the feeling of using up all that we have bought and not wasting anything. I feel very strongly that we try to use what we have and consume only what we need.
Tonight we had steak that was grain fed, hormone free...I know alot of people will have a problem with the red meat but we still eat it occasionally. We had red potatoes and zucchini tossed with herbs and light oil olive steamed in a foil packet on the grill, and corn on the cob. It was a nice dinner that the kids liked and we watched The Fantastic Mr Fox. It was the kind of night that makes me feel blessed for a family and feel so full of love. We have a nice safe home that's quiet and secure. We had a good dinner to fill us up and a good family movie to share that mades us laugh and gaves us a nice memory to look back on. That's what a sunday night should feel like.

I don't give a ......

Sometimes when people are talking on and on about all that seems so important to them I just want to say "I don't give a fuck". I know it's rude. I know it's mean but I'm 41, I find that less and less I don't really care about the stupid little details of people's lives.
Give me something of substance and then I will listen. I can't tell you what that might be. It doesn't have to be about politics all the time or deep meaningful conversations. I will be intrigued by your bits of this and that, but go on and on I will stop listening. Sorry, I just will. The moment you become a victim to your own shit and I will stop listening and that glazed look is me not giving a fuck.
I was talking to a woman today at work and she told me about at time when she was laid off and her husband was laid off. She had to take a job in production...basically a princess kind of gal had to roll her sleeves up and work really hard. Well she did it and she did it with pride and conviction. For a period of time she had to do what she had to do and worked her ass off to get to her position that she has now where she's making a good living. Yeah, I will listen to her all day. She was inspiring and has something important to say.
I find that I care less and less for whinning, and I think that's my impending old age and not have much patience. I hear stories of people that do amazing things and some people want to whine and complain over every single little thing. Sorry but I don't give a fuck.
It's really quite freeing and liberating when you allow yourself to get to the point where you let it all go and don't get caught up in the maddness of drama and bull....you simply say: I don't give a fuck.

Disconnected

I have all these parts of myself that seem disconnected
Occasionally connections
Moments that make sense
Most of the time, something seems to be left out
Different parts that are left on their own
Dangling
Lonely or forgotten
I don't know how to connect to them all
Just one or two at time click into place
For a moment or two

New Idea

I think I'm going to try something new. I always try to make my blog entries a nicely written piece of something. I don't always succeed. I think I want to try a new format for awhile. I kind of free style, whatever comes to mind kind of format. Lets see how it goes...

Another One Down, Another One Stronger

I don’t know why I take it hard when I read about a famous couple that breaks up. I remember when Brad and Jen were over, I didn’t want it to be true. No way not them!! Recently, I was disheartened to first learn about Jim Carey and Jenny McCarthy, and then of course Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels. These were two couples that seemed connected at a soul level and seeing them break up left me feeling confused. I mean, no one really knows what happens between two people and certainly with celebrities they only show the good and not the bad. You only see the beautiful weddings or read the gushing interviews about being soul mates. I have to believe that Ellen and Portia really are happy and in love. They seem so committed to each other and to their marriage. I’m holding out hope that they’re working hard to be forever.
I’ve been in one of those long term relationships that everyone thought was great and everyone was shocked when it ended. We looked good from the outside, like an avocado that seems perfectly ripe but once you open it up its no good. We never fought so there was never a scene for anyone to recall, we laughed and joked around when we were in public. We just lacked that key spark, we were friends but we had no idea how to make a relationship work. So we drifted along in friendship disguised as a relationship for 6 years, feeling lonely and unfilled in the ways a relationship should enhance your life. We got stuck because there was no affair, no drugs, or alcohol to blame. No one was a jerk or had anger issues to work out. We looked ok on the outside but had nothing of any substance on the inside to nourish us. Eventually the unhappiness was too much to bare and the relationship was put out of it's misery.
Many years later, I’m with the love of my life and I'm very happy but I can also tell you that we have our issues. I think that’s what we should really be sharing. It's not all about how it’s always sunny and roses. When we’re in public you can see our chemistry and you might even see us bicker but you will also see us hug and kiss within minutes. When you find someone that you have passion and a spark with, well you can expect a fight or two. Now look, there was a good long time that passed when I would looked at this woman and swore with every fiber of my being that I could never ever be mad at her. There was just no way that she could ever do anything that would make me raise my voice, oh and this was like a good year into our relationship. Oh we would gaze into each other’s eyes and say that we could never imagine a day that harsh words could ever be spoken between us. HA HA!! Let me say that again HA! Yes we can actually look back at that time and laugh our butts off. Oh we fight now, but don’t worry that’s an ok thing.
What we’re finding out is that if you fight fair, it can be the thing that makes you get to the core of what’s bothering you. It’s the thing that makes you resolve all your baggage that you’ve had from your childhood. Fighting makes you learn what your weaknesses are and what your strengths are. It makes you learn how to respect each other and it makes you learn just how much love you have in your heart for this person. I trust her completely and I think that’s why sometimes she can push my buttons and make me so incredibly upset. Yes you may re-read that. I trust her so much that I really let the full strength of fears and vulnerabilities show themselves and I know she does the same with me. Do you know what that means? It means we have a heated argument now and then but we’re better more evolved people for it. It also means that when we get to the other side she feels better than ever to me. It’s like I fall deeper in love with her, like it’s to a depth that I never thought possible. It means when say I love you it has so much meaning behind it. We’re deep into this now, there’s nothing superficial about us. We know each other so well and that means all the good and bad. She’s the one I want to come home to every day and I want to sleep next to. This is the real deal folks.
I don’t know what happened with these famous couple and it breaks my heart even more for Melissa and Tammy because they have kids. I know it must not have been an easy decision. Maybe for some people,seeing these couples break up gives them the excuse to say, “See nothing last anyhow, if that can’t make who can?” Well Aly and Steph can. I find myself looking at couple that have broken up and saying, “Dang, that’s not going to be us!” I’m going to keep fighting and keep loving her. We’re more like that organic avocado that might have a few imperfections on the outside. You know like a little knot here or a dirt spot there but when you open it up, it’s the most beautiful green inside. It’s had time to slowly ripen in such a way that it feeds us body and soul.

Have a good day

2009 has been a pretty crappy year for not only myself, but for alot of people close to me. I've had friends that had to deal with the death of loved ones, others with family illnesses, and it's been heart breaking watching their pain. Closer to home, my brother was laid off and we had to deal with moving my mother from Ohio and all the drama that caused. I mean, that was practically a naturally disaster in it's self. Then Aly lost her job, I had a hysterectomy, was laid off while recovering from surgery and then had complications from my lupus that caused me to be home for an additional 3 more months.

Being unemployed and home with an illness can really test your mental strength. You try to set small resonable goals that you can achieve. Each time you hope you're not setting yourself up for failure. I have good days and bad days. On the good days I can make my family dinner, get some food shopping done, maybe even write a blog. On the bad days, I struggle....I simply struggle.

The other morning I was feeling just so/so but I got up early so that I could make coffee for Aly before she left for work. She has been able to find a long term sub job and it makes me feel good to get up in the morning to make her breakfast, and get her lunch ready for her. It's a nice way to her morning started and it's a good way to have a few minutes with her. Some days I go back to bed after I see her out the door but most mornings I try to stay up. One of the benifits of staying up in the morning is having some coffee and watching sports center with Robby before he goes to school. I like this time with him because it's just me and the little man. Most mornings he's talkative and likes to tell me about the "Play of the day". Just before he leaves for school I always tell him to have a good day and that's when he always makes me smile because of his response. Now most of time when you tell someone, "have a good day" they will absent mindedly say, "yeah you too" or "ok, thanks". Not Robby, when you say have a nice day to him, he responds with a such an afffrimative "OK". It's like I'm asking him to take out the trash or something, he says ok like he is mentally putting it on his of things to do list....have a good day. Ok got it. At times I feel like I need to remember to always tell him to have a good day because what if I don't and he forgets to or something? I just really love the way he takes it so seriously...."OK".
Maybe it's because he's a kid or maybe it's just because I find most things he does adorable, but you know what? Right now when things seem so difficult when someone says to me "hey have a good day" I want to really take it to heart. I want to give it my best effort and do the best I can to make it a good day. I want to be like Robby and say, "OK" and really mean it.

Casting

Last Saturday we meet some friends in Ocean Beach after Robby's football game. It was wonderful to be out and about after so many weeks of feeling like I was only able to have limited time out of the house without being over come with fatigue. Recovering from surgery is much more difficult than anything I've experienced and I treasure any little outings. This particular Saturday included all the things that meant the most to me: Aly, the kids, football-pee wee Hawkeyes style, good friends, cold beer and the beach.

After watching a winning football game and amazing tackles by our budding pro football player, ok I may be a bit bias. So what. We headed down to Ocean Beach for some of the best fish tacos, cold beers and views of the ocean that San Diego has to offer. We had some laughs for sure and plenty of good natured ribbing from Jen to keep us all in check. After our feast of oysters and Blue Moon beer we headed over to Jungle Java for some coffee. We chatted some more and before we knew it the sun had set and it was getting late. The gals decided it was time to head home and we knew it was time to make the long trek home to Murrieta. We weren't quite ready to let go of the day and as we were walking to our car we decided to take a stroll out on OB Pier.

All the years I've lived in San Diego, I've never been out on the pier this time of night. Normally you can't go all the way out and it was treat to see that you could walk all the way out to the end. The sun had fully set and the pier was dark, romantic and just the thing we needed to complete our day. We started walking down the pier and saw a few folks with fishing gear and polls in the water. I've seen people fish lots of times off the pier but I was not at all ready to see what lay ahead of us. We saw people selling glow sticks and it became clear that the further we traveled down the pier, the further we were heading into this sub culture that was nothing like I've ever experienced. There pier was lined with poll after poll with glow sticks attached to ends. It seemed that each person there seemed to have their own story. There was the father with his two little girls. He was patiently explaining how to bait the hook and how to tie the glow stick to the end of the line. The little girls were huddled together under a blanket, watching him closely, hanging on his every word. Maybe this Saturday night they finally got to go with Daddy and Mommy got to enjoy a few hours alone to have some peace and quiet. Across from them were the three young guys goofing around, but not too loudly to be an annoyance. They had a cooler of beers but seemed like the kind of boys that most likely shared a 12 pack and had as many waters and sodas as they did beer. They seemed like good boys, I mean they were hanging out fishing on a Saturday night. They looked like the kind of boys that would visit their Moms on Sunday and help their Dad with home repairs. We walked further down the pier and saw a sprinkling of homeless people and had the realization that this was not just a way to spend a Saturday night for them. This was food, free food and you could feel an almost desperation in every cast of their poll. They needed to catch something. We got close the point of the pier where it dead ends and branches off to the left and right. We found a small space of railing and just stood there in silence. There was less light and more darkness from the ocean. From where we stood, we saw what seemed like waves of glow sticks jumping in the air and landing in the water. Each one was a poll being cast into the water, they looked like a falling star, a firefly above the ocean.

I was struck by the hopefulness each cast seemed to represent. For some it was a way to pass the time. Sweethearts that made a ritual of Saturday night fishing, not really expecting to catch a fish but just enjoying the passing of time with each other. The Asian families that seem to be continuing some kind of Jungian archetype that even they may not be aware of. They just enjoyed being there with their family. Casting a line over and over, most came back empty and yet they would throw it back over and over. No fishing rage, just a calm hush that was peaceful. A few people seemed to have fish in their buckets but there was no touchdown dance or hooting for victory, just a quiet evaluation if they would keep the fish or set it free. Men quiet in thought, a woman alone in an almost meditative state, you felt safe and almost invisible. We were the silent lesbian couple that no one noticed or cared about. We looked for a few more minutes as some glow sticks bobbed in the water, and others danced in an arc while being cast for another hopeful attempt at success.

I thought about our difficult summer and all we've been through. I think all we can do is keep casting, hope that this time we're more successful and that we finally get the success we're looking for. If not, that's ok....we'll still have that glimmer of light at the end of the poll and we can just pull in the line and try again and again.