Lets just blame this on the pain meds

One of the things that I've learned about myself over the years is that I can take something very small and meaningless, and make it into something huge and supposed meaningful. Well, I should say meaningful only to me. It's this trait that prevents me from watching certain crime shows because I will convince myself that some noise I hear in the middle of the night is a serial killer that the police have been searching for since 1977. I have talked myself into thinking the most outragous things. I can take a small amount of information and just spin it into something far beyond what it actually means. Of course I know that what I spin things into usual represent some fear or unresolved insecurity that I have. I had a wonderful therapist that really helped me take a look at this tendancy and work through it, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't still happen. Atleast now I can laugh at it and enjoy the humor of it when it happens.
So this morning I was sleeping in because I was really worn out from over doing it last night. I'm still very much in the healing and recovery stage of my hysterectomy and I decided I could make dinner but cleary I was not ready for this. So this morning Aly woke me up around 8 to make sure I took my pain meds and had me go back to sleep. Well I woke up a few hours later, and I could hear her talking but it was in a very hushed tone. I couldn't figure out why she was talking so softly. If you know Aly, you know my love does not exactly have a quiet voice even when she is trying to whisper. So even when she is trying to be quiet on the phone so that she doesn't wake me up, I can still hear her. She has the most wonderful laugh and it's the kind of laugh that fills the room, it's nothing that can be stiffled. So as I was waking up I had to wonder who was she talking to and why was she being so quiet....this my friends would be the moment when I start the spin cycle. As I heard her hushed tone I started to remember how her best friend told me that at one point of her marriage when things were very dark and going badly she called her best friend Sam from the closet and would whisper to her how unhappy she was. I suddenly wondered if she gave me that pain pill at 8am to make me sleep so that she could make this very same type of call to Sam or maybe her mom? I couldn't hear what she was saying but I could tell the "conversation" was peppered with frustration. Here and there I could hear she say "I don't know", "this makes no sense" "I'm trying". I sit up in bed at this point. I replay a conversation from the day before and make it fit this situation and before I know it I've got it all worked out. Aly has gotten to that point where she loves me but is not in love with me. She is happy to help take care of me after my surgery but the pressure of taking care of someone she is no longer in love with is getting to her, she has to vent to Sam. She needs to end this relationship once I'm back on my feet and recovered, she feels bad and can't tell me. So I get up, and I breath deeply. I practice in the mirror how this will feel. I tell myself that I will make her talk to me, I will make her get the truth out. I tell myself that I will not cry, I will be strong. I will tell her that it's ok, and not to worry we'll figure it out and we'll always be friends. It's ok. I splash cold water on my face, my stomach is in knots. The pain from my surgery is long gone and all I feel is this pressure on my heart and the feeling of this all being so surrreal. I still hear her talking in hushed tones. I'm sure she'll get off the phone as soon as I walked out there. I make my way out to the couch avoiding eye contact, I still hear her talking in that hushed tone which is odd since I'm clearly up from bed now and why would she still be talking about me if I'm right there. I finally look at her. She's laying on the the couch with the laptop resting on her stomach and I look at her intently and I see no phone. My mind can not compute this. Where is the phone? She says, "Hi honey, I'm taking a grammer quiz and it's timed." I just oh ok. I look at her and there she is talking to herself in a hushed almost whispered tone...."what the hell, what does this mean, I don't understand, i just want to be done, no way oh this is stupid, I have no idea, I don't know......" All those phrases that I thought meant that she was done with us just meant that some comma was giving her fits and some verb was not in the right spot or something. Suddenly I'm smiling and she looks at me and says, "You ok honey, I'm almost done. I'm just talking to myself, did I wake you up? You hungry, want something for breakfast?" I felt like an idiot. Of course I told her what I spun up in my head, she just smiled and said she didn't know whether to laugh or cry because she could tell it made me sad. In the end we just laughed because you know it's funny to laugh at how neurotic your spouse is. I prefer to think it was that extra pain pill she gave and maybe it played tricks on my brain, yeah that's it.

Trying

I think that title really sums it up. This has been one heck of a trying summer not only for me but for some of my close friends as well. The cursed summer of 09 is what we'll call it. Right now Aly and I are trying our best to remain positive and see that all things happen for a reason. I feel pretty angry that Ca has such a jacked up budget that so many teachers have lost their jobs and my talented and incredibly intelligent wife is out there with hundreds of other out of work teachers competing for the few jobs that are out there. I'm less than pleased that after two years I'm still a contractor for my company and was forced to be laid off for 30 days to comply with regulations and then rehired. During those 30 days off I was trying to get all my over due dr appts taken care, I hate having to ask for time off and wanted to get them done with. I'm trying to now get my mind around the idea that I will be having surgery next wed and all that means. A hysterectomy is not the major surgery is used to be but since I have lupus everything simple is complex. The fact that I need to get this done is actually just another little reminder that no matter how much I try to forget that I have lupus, it always seems to find a way to remind me that it's there and always will be. I'm trying to understand the cold heart of my boss, and the fact that I came this close to losing my job over this surgery. I also found out that come the end of the year they have cut our department and I will no longer have a job. There does come a point where Aly and I have to wonder when we start having some good news and when these trying times are going to end.
I tell myself this is when I have to let go, and have faith and remain positive. The 30 days off I was forced to take off really was a blessing. I got some much needed down time and that extra rest has put me in a good place for healing after surgery. I was also able to get lots of things done around the house and that feels great. Most important, I got some really good quality time with the kids and Aly. Most important during those 30 days off, I went to see my dr for an on going issue that I would've put off for who knows how long and that would've been really putting my health at risk.
If Aly was working and starting school right now, there is no way that she would be able to have the quality time she's had to spend with Jordyn and getting her ready for her first year of high school. She has been able to really be there for the kids and I know that makes her feel great. She will also be home to help take care of me after my surgery. If she was working right now, this was would be impossible for her to do. I have faith that there will be a teaching position at the ready for her and while it might be at the last minute, it will be just right for her and she'll be very happy and very appreciated for her amazing teaching skills.
As for my job and my less than sensitive boss, well I have to believe that will all work itself out. I think karma will catch up to her and some of the things that she has done. You can't keep stepping on people and not think it will by pass you. I have faith that a new and challenging job is on my horizon that will be worth waking up for every morning. I will have co workers that will once again feel like family, be supportive and will be a joy to work with. I think sometimes trying to be positive and stay faithful that all things will work out is the one constant that we have to hold on to right now. We have seen how loving and kind everyone has been. Trying times make you try and see all the good and look past just the things that are difficult.