Bigger than me

Sometimes I worry that it's bigger than me
I'm not used to that
I always thought I was a fighter
just set my mind to it, mind over matter
I can beat it
Lately it has more days it wins than I do
No matter how hard I fight
Some days I just don't have any more fight in me
All I can do is hope that a few more hours sleep
a few more pills
maybe a new pill will help
I can't remember what it was like before it was
me vs. lupus
used to be...but you don't look sick
now I can see it in my friends eyes
concern they feel uncomfortable asking me directly about
the private converstations away from me
asking how I'm doing, giving the latest update
she has to take this on now
it feel so much bigger than me now

Love you so hard

I want to love you so hard that all this darkness will go away
I want to make you a little girl, at least then I had the tools to make you smile
I want you to be 20 again when our lives were so less complicated
A beer and a pretty girl would make us both giddy
How do I find your innocence and give it back to you now?
I can't stop your crying or your pain
I will carry it for you
Let me take all the images in your mind
Let me have all the things that you can't speak of
Let me store them for you so that they will leave you be
What can I do to make it better? Kiss your forehead
Sleep next to you so that you can feel safe
Whatever you need to smile and feel fine
I don't love but a few
You, her
I would give you anything, truly anything
My sacrifice
My season
My little sister
My daughter
My niece
My brave wounded soldier

Seeing not feeling

Here's my joy, it shouldn't be so tangable
just this thing
this something I can hold in my hand
shouldn't it be in my heart
I can't seem to tell any more
I take it out and look at it, over and over
that's part of the problem I know
I can't seem to help it
I want to feel it
more than see it

Smile

Yes I am smiling
I know I nodded and said yes
You think I'm so agreeable
Maybe it's because you never shut up
Never listens enough to know other opinons
Too arogrant or inmature, I can't decide
You're missing the signs and signals
I'm not going to nod or say yes every time
There's an art to picking your battles
This one I decided not to pick
Imagine your surprise when I finally
pick

Not perfect but trying

We figured out awhile ago that cutting out gluten from my diet can really help with my flare ups. Once I start becoming aware of my gluten it just seems like eating healthier just flows along with that. I feel great that lately I've been able to serve healthier dinners to the kids. We have lots of good veggies and fruit in the fridge. Saturday we had friends over for a bbq and I made very simple grilled chicken breast tacos with tomatoes, guacamole, and corn on the cob. The corn tortillas were gluten free and the meal was also dairy free. It was a nice light meal that was filling and also easy to make. I used the left over chicken and tortillas to make a chicken tortilla soup for lunches on monday. I love when I can use something for a lunch the next day or somehow incorporate it into dinner the next night. I love the feeling of using up all that we have bought and not wasting anything. I feel very strongly that we try to use what we have and consume only what we need.
Tonight we had steak that was grain fed, hormone free...I know alot of people will have a problem with the red meat but we still eat it occasionally. We had red potatoes and zucchini tossed with herbs and light oil olive steamed in a foil packet on the grill, and corn on the cob. It was a nice dinner that the kids liked and we watched The Fantastic Mr Fox. It was the kind of night that makes me feel blessed for a family and feel so full of love. We have a nice safe home that's quiet and secure. We had a good dinner to fill us up and a good family movie to share that mades us laugh and gaves us a nice memory to look back on. That's what a sunday night should feel like.

I don't give a ......

Sometimes when people are talking on and on about all that seems so important to them I just want to say "I don't give a fuck". I know it's rude. I know it's mean but I'm 41, I find that less and less I don't really care about the stupid little details of people's lives.
Give me something of substance and then I will listen. I can't tell you what that might be. It doesn't have to be about politics all the time or deep meaningful conversations. I will be intrigued by your bits of this and that, but go on and on I will stop listening. Sorry, I just will. The moment you become a victim to your own shit and I will stop listening and that glazed look is me not giving a fuck.
I was talking to a woman today at work and she told me about at time when she was laid off and her husband was laid off. She had to take a job in production...basically a princess kind of gal had to roll her sleeves up and work really hard. Well she did it and she did it with pride and conviction. For a period of time she had to do what she had to do and worked her ass off to get to her position that she has now where she's making a good living. Yeah, I will listen to her all day. She was inspiring and has something important to say.
I find that I care less and less for whinning, and I think that's my impending old age and not have much patience. I hear stories of people that do amazing things and some people want to whine and complain over every single little thing. Sorry but I don't give a fuck.
It's really quite freeing and liberating when you allow yourself to get to the point where you let it all go and don't get caught up in the maddness of drama and bull....you simply say: I don't give a fuck.

Disconnected

I have all these parts of myself that seem disconnected
Occasionally connections
Moments that make sense
Most of the time, something seems to be left out
Different parts that are left on their own
Dangling
Lonely or forgotten
I don't know how to connect to them all
Just one or two at time click into place
For a moment or two

New Idea

I think I'm going to try something new. I always try to make my blog entries a nicely written piece of something. I don't always succeed. I think I want to try a new format for awhile. I kind of free style, whatever comes to mind kind of format. Lets see how it goes...

Another One Down, Another One Stronger

I don’t know why I take it hard when I read about a famous couple that breaks up. I remember when Brad and Jen were over, I didn’t want it to be true. No way not them!! Recently, I was disheartened to first learn about Jim Carey and Jenny McCarthy, and then of course Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels. These were two couples that seemed connected at a soul level and seeing them break up left me feeling confused. I mean, no one really knows what happens between two people and certainly with celebrities they only show the good and not the bad. You only see the beautiful weddings or read the gushing interviews about being soul mates. I have to believe that Ellen and Portia really are happy and in love. They seem so committed to each other and to their marriage. I’m holding out hope that they’re working hard to be forever.
I’ve been in one of those long term relationships that everyone thought was great and everyone was shocked when it ended. We looked good from the outside, like an avocado that seems perfectly ripe but once you open it up its no good. We never fought so there was never a scene for anyone to recall, we laughed and joked around when we were in public. We just lacked that key spark, we were friends but we had no idea how to make a relationship work. So we drifted along in friendship disguised as a relationship for 6 years, feeling lonely and unfilled in the ways a relationship should enhance your life. We got stuck because there was no affair, no drugs, or alcohol to blame. No one was a jerk or had anger issues to work out. We looked ok on the outside but had nothing of any substance on the inside to nourish us. Eventually the unhappiness was too much to bare and the relationship was put out of it's misery.
Many years later, I’m with the love of my life and I'm very happy but I can also tell you that we have our issues. I think that’s what we should really be sharing. It's not all about how it’s always sunny and roses. When we’re in public you can see our chemistry and you might even see us bicker but you will also see us hug and kiss within minutes. When you find someone that you have passion and a spark with, well you can expect a fight or two. Now look, there was a good long time that passed when I would looked at this woman and swore with every fiber of my being that I could never ever be mad at her. There was just no way that she could ever do anything that would make me raise my voice, oh and this was like a good year into our relationship. Oh we would gaze into each other’s eyes and say that we could never imagine a day that harsh words could ever be spoken between us. HA HA!! Let me say that again HA! Yes we can actually look back at that time and laugh our butts off. Oh we fight now, but don’t worry that’s an ok thing.
What we’re finding out is that if you fight fair, it can be the thing that makes you get to the core of what’s bothering you. It’s the thing that makes you resolve all your baggage that you’ve had from your childhood. Fighting makes you learn what your weaknesses are and what your strengths are. It makes you learn how to respect each other and it makes you learn just how much love you have in your heart for this person. I trust her completely and I think that’s why sometimes she can push my buttons and make me so incredibly upset. Yes you may re-read that. I trust her so much that I really let the full strength of fears and vulnerabilities show themselves and I know she does the same with me. Do you know what that means? It means we have a heated argument now and then but we’re better more evolved people for it. It also means that when we get to the other side she feels better than ever to me. It’s like I fall deeper in love with her, like it’s to a depth that I never thought possible. It means when say I love you it has so much meaning behind it. We’re deep into this now, there’s nothing superficial about us. We know each other so well and that means all the good and bad. She’s the one I want to come home to every day and I want to sleep next to. This is the real deal folks.
I don’t know what happened with these famous couple and it breaks my heart even more for Melissa and Tammy because they have kids. I know it must not have been an easy decision. Maybe for some people,seeing these couples break up gives them the excuse to say, “See nothing last anyhow, if that can’t make who can?” Well Aly and Steph can. I find myself looking at couple that have broken up and saying, “Dang, that’s not going to be us!” I’m going to keep fighting and keep loving her. We’re more like that organic avocado that might have a few imperfections on the outside. You know like a little knot here or a dirt spot there but when you open it up, it’s the most beautiful green inside. It’s had time to slowly ripen in such a way that it feeds us body and soul.